Faith Under Fire November 23, 2022

I missed You, Lord,

my Creator and Sustainer.

As I was traveling,

my rhythm was

off,

my quiet time was spent

asleep,

my awareness of

You

was

dimmed.

Eventually,

I became aware…

of this missing…

this missing of

You.

You

had faded from my

life, thoughts, and moments.

I knew

You

were there,

but my awareness of

You,

my thoughts of

You,

my need of

You

had dimmed.

This experience of

being “away” from

You

reminded me of

the critical importance

of having a

Christ-centered community.

A community of others

who also love

You,

want to serve

You,

and desire to live out

Your will.

Being with others who love

You

helps me remain

connected and aware of

You.

You,

the Trinity,

are community and

have given this gift of community

to us.

Without

You

in my life, thoughts, and moments,

my living feels

empty,

lacking purpose,

leaving me wanting and

wondering

what

else

there

is.

There is…

You.

I want to live with and for

You.

There is no other way.

To those who don’t know

You,

this can sound crazy.

There are those

who think this choice

is really out there

as they watch people

who claim Your love,

seek power for themselves,

spew hate towards those

seen as “other”,

and sow fear in

Your name. 

I’ve never felt that I

had to qualify my faith before,

but at this moment in my life and

in our country’s existence,

I want others,

I need others,

to know that I worship

You God,

follow Jesus, and

cooperate with the Holy Spirit,

not a

human leader or

earthly power.

I strive to love all people,

not only those like me.

I believe we are called

to love others,

not judge,

mistreat, or

minimize people.

I do my best to

seek Your will,

not my own,

and choose Your way,

rather than create a false reality

to support my

desires or needs.

Loving

You

is counter-cultural.

Loving all others in Your name is

counter-cultural.

I am not here for myself,

but for

You.

Help me hold on tightly

to Your hand

as I walk my path.

I will never live perfectly for

You,

but I will give

You

my best.

You don’t seek perfection.

Help me shine

for

You

in such a way that

others will consider

You.

Help me share

You

gently with others

in the hope they will

choose to get to know

You

more today than yesterday.

Each day I pray

I will love,

not try to be right.

I pray

I will love each day,

not assess and

categorize.

I see the ongoing

assessment,

judgment,

persecution, and

categorization

of those seen as “other”

to be a

distraction

from what God truly

wants us to accomplish.

I choose to love because

You

first loved me

and always will.

I am Your broken,

beautiful,

lost, and

precious child,

and yet

You

love me

without qualification or limit.

Your love is a

gift of grace.

Your love cannot be earned,

only received.

May someone experience

You

in a new, powerful, and lasting

way today.

In Your hope and power,

not my own.

© 2022 Brooke F. Sulahian

A New Way…Entirely March 7, 2022

As I walked to the cafe today,

my first solo cafe trip of 2022,

it hit me…

I need to view life a new way…entirely.

Why, you ask?

The door to my pre-chronic illness self is closed,

my current state doesn’t support my former activity levels and capacity, and

the way ahead is shrouded…

as it should be…

I can only see the step immediately in front of me.

This makes me wonder if I actually

saw more of my future path

before falling ill.

I don’t think I did,

but it may have felt that way.

Life was predictable,

my body and brain were predictable.

My body and brain are no longer predictable.

That is very hard to admit.

I took a picture of my chai tea latte today…

and shared it with this post.

May it serve as my cairn

for this day when I admitted

this truth to you and myself.

The truth about my body and brain.

May it remind me of my stand for God’s Truth,

my commitment to placing all of my hope

in God’s hands…

eventually.

I want to note here that I am very thankful

for the health I do have.

I can get out of bed on my own,

live independently,

feed myself,

think for myself,

give big hugs (again),

and so much more.

I have a family to love,

a family that loves me,

inspiring work,

dedicated friends,

a relationship with God,

and so much more.

I have so very much for which to be thankful.

I know I have much more than some others.

I know others struggle more than I do,

but I will not let this keep me

from grieving my losses.

Other’s struggles and challenges

can provide perspective,

but they should not discount

our pain,

our losses,

our fears, or

our struggles.

How can I heal and move forward

if I cannot grieve?

The quote below caught my heart this week

as I listened to a new devotional.

This season, this season where

I still feel like a shell of myself,

this season that began in November of 2019,

has led me to currently crave God,

to be filled with Our Creator as never before…

I want to be filled with

Our Sustainer’s

Truth,

Love,

and

Presence

all day long.

I find myself needing to be soaked by God’s Truth

by listening to

Words about God,

and words from God;

spoken and

sung.

I am trying every avenue I can

based on my current brain capacity.

Like a plant with roots that are dry,

I need God to fill me each day

so I know what Truth is

and stay on that path.

I can so easily be

distracted,

confused, and

disheartened

these days.

What I want and need is God’s Truth.

Then I need to fully trust.

Check out this quote (with my added paraphrase)…

“Loss requires us to re-imagine hope.

But before hope, comes acknowledgment.”

We must be willing to look at our future

with multiple possibilities and paths

or face “identity foreclosure”.

We need to grieve the loss of our specific imagined future

that has been changed, altered.

I realized this week that I am actively grieving in

a deep way.

Am I still grieving the loss of my sweet in-laws?

I bet that I am and will be for some time.

However, that grief is not at the surface

of my heart or feelings.

I know where Mekah and Papa are and believe I will see them again.

There is great peace in that.

The loss that is at the surface of each

thought,

action,

reaction,

plan,

and every thwarted plan

every day

is the loss of my dependable

body and brain.

I grieve the loss of my body

on which I could rely

to exercise on schedule,

walk and jog for miles,

generate those cleansing endorphins,

enjoy a daily walk outdoors,

join in a game of family knock-out,

and grow stronger.

I grieve the loss of my brain

on which I could rely

to read books (with my eyes) for pleasure,

work on Hope for Our Sisters

for hours at a time,

process complex ideas at any moment,

easily tune out the noise

from the important conversations,

and live fully on my terms.

Yes, those words sting a bit…

my terms.

I took this body and brain for granted,

my body and brain,

the ones that seem to have left me,

figuratively.

This is my acknowledgment,

the step that comes before re-imaging hope.

My acknowledgement about

my body and brain,

but more importantly,

the fact that I cannot seem to

give all of this to God.

I refuse to fully let go,

I choose to hold on

to who I was before.

Do I fear my future?

Do I fear the answers God has for me

about my body and brain,

my life?

I am not sure,

but I know I am resisting

God’s invitation to give it all,

100%,

to Him in Trust.

This 25-minute time frame,

right now,

during which I can focus and write

without blowing up my brain,

and/or forcing my body back to bed,

this is significant,

this is new,

this is now.

In addition to refusing to give

my every concern and challenge to God,

it is clear that I have also been viewing my future

with great specificity.

I had no idea I was doing this until I heard

the quote above.

I replayed the quote many times,

then chose to write it down.

That was and is God’s message for me.

I can choose to limit my future view,

by holding on to a very specific future,

or I can choose to view it openly,

giving God full control.

Ah, there it is.

Giving God control.

I know God and trust God

in my heart, mind, and soul,

but not fully yet,

not with my physical future,

not with my current and future day-to-day activity.

I act as if my plans are better than God’s,

but I know better than that.

Walking to this cafe

it hit me…

I need to view life a new way…entirely.

What does this all mean?

I intend to discover and share with you

over the next

minutes,

hours,

days, and

years.

This will be part of my

grieving/mourning/lament focus this year.

One thing I do know

is that I cannot assess my days

by my productivity anymore.

I am not productive these days,

and that needs to be OK.

This morning,

and the last two mornings,

I have intentionally handed my hope,

all of it,

even the last strand I was keeping to myself,

to my God,

My Creator,

My Sustainer.

This is very hard to do.

The worst of this season is still fresh.

I know where I don’t want to go,

I don’t want to go backwards in my healing,

but I also know I must

trust my Creator 100%.

I pray I will do this every day.

There will be days when I cannot,

but for today

I am choosing to re-imagine hope,

to view my future with multiple possibilities,

not only the one I can see or imagine.

We’ll have to see what it looks like together,

as I move ahead

craving God’s Truth

and Abundance.

© 2021 Brooke F. Sulahian

Quote from Good Enough by Kate Bowler and Jessica Richie