What Now? February 14, 2024

I read Be the Bridge

My eyes were opened

My knowledge was stretched

My heart was challenged

I read The New Jim Crow

My heart was broken

My justice meter was shattered

My mind was overwhelmed

I am reading Caste and

I just watched Origin

(The movie about the writing of Caste)

My heart aches with every page read and

Every scene witnessed

My justice meter groans under this new weight

New stories

New facts

New understanding

New urgency

My heart, mind, and body want to

ACT RIGHT NOW!!!!

This is all so wrong

There is no room for caste in our world

It must be demolished

But, what can I do?

I’m a 52-year-old white woman

Who desires to be the best ally

For all forced into the margins

Caste in our country?

Yes!

It’s very hard to hear about caste

In India and Germany

But in America?

This hurts in a deeper

More personal way

This is my home

So much of my home country is broken

Is it beyond repair?

I have too much hope to believe that

I truly believe that I am supposed to

ACT ON

The new knowledge I have

In my mind

The new breaks

In my heart

After watching Origin

I wanted to cry for hours

And hours

Is that privilege?

I don’t know, but

It’s my truth

How do

Hate

Anger

Fear

And

Othering

Run so rampant in our world?

Why do we have to have

Categories

Insiders and Outsiders

Us and Others

Individuals and Mass Groups that can be

Easily dehumanized

The last scene in Origin has these words…

“A world without caste sets everyone free.”

I want freedom for everyone

I want to seek freedom for everyone

What role do I have before me?

Can I really help demolish caste?

Why do I seek this information

If not to ACT on behalf of

Those in the margins?

I was othered at age 11

Told by my new principal in Texas

That he would “keep an eye on me

Because he knew about kids from

California”

I was judged on something about which

I had no control

I was judged before he knew anything

Else about me

Is this as bad as the othering of others today?

Probably not

But I was wrongly judged

I felt it

I absorbed it

Is that why I strove for all A’s?

To prove this man wrong?

No one belongs in the margins

May we each ACT for the

Freedom of those in our

Lives

Cities

States

and

World

Let’s work towards

A

World

Where

Everyone

Is

Free

May these words

Rise up with the

Beautiful scent of

A prayer lifted to God

A question posed to Jesus

A yearning shared through the Holy Spirit

And with my fellow humans

What Now?

Will you seek the answer with me?

We do not have to accept the

Status quo when it is broken

© 2024 Brooke F. Sulahian

The Hard Stuff May 25, 2023

It’s easier to destroy than create.

It’s easier to fear than understand.

It’s easier to hate than love.

Let’s all do the hard stuff today…

can you imagine how beautiful

our world would be?

© 2023 Brooke F. Sulahian

I Traded for Hope May 10, 2023

The weight of it

The size of it

I was buckling under it

My boulder

Huge

I felt like I was trying to be Atlas

Holding up the heavens

But

Failing

Horribly.

There He was

My Savior

My Christ

Jesus.

“What are you carrying?”

He asked.

“Systemic racism in the US

and my role in it as a

white person,”

I replied.

“That’s too much for you to carry,”

He said.

“I fear that if I put it down,

If I don’t carry it every moment,

I will become complacent…

Again,”

I admitted with pain in

my heart.

“Hmm. I have an offer for you,”

He said.

“What do You have for me?”

I asked.

“A better way,”

He replied.

He reached out His hand…

Something shiny and small

Was inside of it.

“Give me your boulder

And you can have this,”

He offered.

I looked up

From under my boulder

From under the weight of

Grief

Anger

Frustration

Injustice

Murder after senseless and heinous murder

Of Black men and boys

Over and over.

Wanting to have the silver bullet solution.

Wanting to rid our country of the

Systemic racism

That has been a tragic and awful

Building block of the US

From the very beginning.

What I saw in His hand was

The word “HOPE”

On a silver chain.

“I will take your boulder

and the weight of it all.

This, Hope, is what you need to remember.

This is what you get to carry,

For it is light, yet powerful.

I want you to focus on HOPE

I want you to remember HOPE.

I want you to carry HOPE,”

He said.

“HOPE fuels

Joy

Community

Solutions

Justice

Acceptance

Change

Inclusion

Love.

This is what you are to carry…

“HOPE.”

He shared.

I said “Yes!”

I gave Him my huge boulder

I accepted my “HOPE” charm

To be worn

To remember my source of HOPE

To remember the motivation for each step I take

To fuel effective and meaningful allyship

To fuel communication

To instruct my walk

As a white person

Actively grieving over the brokenness of our country

And wanting to partner

With my Black brothers and sisters

To find real solutions.

To never give up.

To HOPE.

This is not the final step in my journey…

There are no easy answers…

But this is a beginning…

© 2023 Brooke F. Sulahian

Faith Under Fire November 23, 2022

I missed You, Lord,

my Creator and Sustainer.

As I was traveling,

my rhythm was

off,

my quiet time was spent

asleep,

my awareness of

You

was

dimmed.

Eventually,

I became aware…

of this missing…

this missing of

You.

You

had faded from my

life, thoughts, and moments.

I knew

You

were there,

but my awareness of

You,

my thoughts of

You,

my need of

You

had dimmed.

This experience of

being “away” from

You

reminded me of

the critical importance

of having a

Christ-centered community.

A community of others

who also love

You,

want to serve

You,

and desire to live out

Your will.

Being with others who love

You

helps me remain

connected and aware of

You.

You,

the Trinity,

are community and

have given this gift of community

to us.

Without

You

in my life, thoughts, and moments,

my living feels

empty,

lacking purpose,

leaving me wanting and

wondering

what

else

there

is.

There is…

You.

I want to live with and for

You.

There is no other way.

To those who don’t know

You,

this can sound crazy.

There are those

who think this choice

is really out there

as they watch people

who claim Your love,

seek power for themselves,

spew hate towards those

seen as “other”,

and sow fear in

Your name. 

I’ve never felt that I

had to qualify my faith before,

but at this moment in my life and

in our country’s existence,

I want others,

I need others,

to know that I worship

You God,

follow Jesus, and

cooperate with the Holy Spirit,

not a

human leader or

earthly power.

I strive to love all people,

not only those like me.

I believe we are called

to love others,

not judge,

mistreat, or

minimize people.

I do my best to

seek Your will,

not my own,

and choose Your way,

rather than create a false reality

to support my

desires or needs.

Loving

You

is counter-cultural.

Loving all others in Your name is

counter-cultural.

I am not here for myself,

but for

You.

Help me hold on tightly

to Your hand

as I walk my path.

I will never live perfectly for

You,

but I will give

You

my best.

You don’t seek perfection.

Help me shine

for

You

in such a way that

others will consider

You.

Help me share

You

gently with others

in the hope they will

choose to get to know

You

more today than yesterday.

Each day I pray

I will love,

not try to be right.

I pray

I will love each day,

not assess and

categorize.

I see the ongoing

assessment,

judgment,

persecution, and

categorization

of those seen as “other”

to be a

distraction

from what God truly

wants us to accomplish.

I choose to love because

You

first loved me

and always will.

I am Your broken,

beautiful,

lost, and

precious child,

and yet

You

love me

without qualification or limit.

Your love is a

gift of grace.

Your love cannot be earned,

only received.

May someone experience

You

in a new, powerful, and lasting

way today.

In Your hope and power,

not my own.

© 2022 Brooke F. Sulahian

How do You Define Strong? February 24, 2021

HOW DO YOU DEFINE STRONG? 

During a season of suffering, 

the suffering is not 

only physical.

 The suffering is also

emotional, 

social,

 and 

spiritual. 

One particular moment 

I spent with God

during my season

of suffering

 focused on the 

physical aspect of

my suffering.

or so I thought.

 As I sat in the quiet 

with our Creator,

 I focused my mind and heart 

on being fully 

present 

with 

God.

 He communicates with me

through pictures,

 In these pictures,

I saw that He was going to 

give me

 the strength I needed

 for each and 

every day.

 From my perspective, 

this was physical strength.

 I would see myself

 standing tall.

 I would see myself

 standing still and not

 teetering back and forth due to

my dizziness.

 I saw myself strong.

 During my third similar session

 with our Creator,

 He asked me to 

consider something

I had not thought of before.

 God asked me to

consider

 that my definition 

of strength,

 may be very different 

than His definition of 

strength.

 I had never thought about 

strength

 this way 

before.

 I saw this as an invitation

 to broaden my 

perspective of strong

 and to be open to 

the kind of strength

 God knew 

I needed 

the most.

 So I left this third session

 with our loving Creator

and Sustainer

 believing the strength 

I needed

 for each day 

would be there,

 but I needed to 

be open to the 

fact that the 

strength He knew 

I needed,

 could look, 

feel, and 

serve

 in a very different way

 then I had 

originally 

envisioned.

  Seasons of suffering are 

times of transformation 

amongst frustration, hope

 anger, thankfulness,

sadness, joy, 

fear and freedom.

 Seasons of suffering usher in

 new experiences, 

limits, questions, and 

relationships.

 What a joy it was

 to know that God, 

our Creator and Sustainer,

would provide

 the strength

 He knew 

I needed 

in each moment 

of my

 journey 

of

suffering.

Knowing this

made

me

strong.

© 2021 Brooke F. Sulahian

Pain December 24, 2020

PAIN

 

I awoke at 5:30 am in pain

Due to my pain

My head pain

I reluctantly got up to get some motrin

“My pain will be gone by morning,”

I thought to myself

At 8:30 am I awoke

My head pain was still present and

It began pushing itself into my day

 

Pain can do that

It’s as if pain has tendrils that can reach

Into every aspect of my day

Tainting it

Coloring it in shadows

Making every activity seem as if it’s too much

Too heavy

Draining the energy out of me

Drawing me, calling me, to yet another day

 In bed

 

Acute pain is more easily seen as a gift

It notifies us that there is something,

An injury, 

That requires our attention

When addressed, acute pain usually subsides

 

Chronic pain is different

At least to me

My chronic pain is an enigma

A puzzle to solve

A riddle to untangle

Of course, it’s hard to solve a puzzle when I am in pain

I lack the brain power, will, and interest

To solve this enigma

I seek only relief

 

Relief

This is a powerful word and feeling

A reminder of what was

What could be again

Relief reminds me of my non-chronic days and years

 

At the onset of my pain and all related symptoms

Debilitating symptoms

I seek relief

Like a board floating on the ocean of my life

To which I can cling

The chance to rejoin my family in their “life-boat” 

Rather than skipping, missing

Another family adventure

 

Once relief, to some extent, is found

It can still all be overwhelming

I have some relief for one symptom

The others persist

My return to health to which I clung so tightly

At the beginning

Has plateaued

Will my health, will I, get better?

Will I be able to read books as I once did?

Will I be able to work more than 1.5 hours each day?

Will I be able to make plans and keep them?

Will I be able to live without the looming fear

 That pain is right around the corner?

 

I don’t have answers yet, but I do have

God,

My husband, son, and daughter

Family and friends

Spiritual Director

The ability to

Walk

Eat

Sing

Write

Laugh

Cry

Inspire

And

Be inspired

 

13 months in

I also have a new-found desire

An open space in my heart and mind 

To learn

To discover

To seek knowledge

About my health

My enigma

 

I know not what I will find

I know not what my long term health will be

I know not what today holds

 

But I do know

I am loved by

God

My family

My friends

And this fuels

My day

My moments

And my body

To step

One step at a time

Into

Each

.

New

.

.

Day

.

.

.

In

.

.

.

.

His

.

.

.

.

.

Hope

© 2020 by Brooke F Sulahian

MY UNEXPECTED RETURN TO JOY (Part 2) October 10, 2018

 

I went for a run

(I enjoy such sweet God time when I run)

At the beginning of my five-mile journey

God invited me to take a new path out of the valley

It felt very unconventional

It almost felt sacrilegious

What was it?

It was a request to STOP

 

He asked me NOT to recite my daily memory scripture verses

What? Was this really God asking me to do this?

It felt so strange to even consider this

But it WAS God, so I needed to think about it

 

Let me stop here and say that memorizing scripture from the Bible

Is a great gift for many others and myself

Having His Word in our head and hearts

Can nourish us when we most need it

 

However, for me

My routine of memory verses was blocking my awareness of God

I realized I was reciting my verses in the morning

Placing a big check by “Time with God”

And not checking in with Him again

 

I had been praying that I would be awake to Him

Was this God’s way of helping me be awake?

Not just in the morning

But throughout the day?

Could I do this?

Fear crept in…what if I forget these treasured verses?

Would I choose God or fear or the comfort of routine?

(More of my journey soon…)

© 2018 by Brooke F Sulahian

MY UNEXPECTED RETURN TO JOY September 26, 2018

My joy was gone

I had no idea it had vanished

But I knew I was in a valley

A very deep valley

 

My return to Joy was truly unexpected

Because I don’t remember walking away from it

I don’t remember choosing stress, anxiety, fear and hurry

But I did…again

I’ve been here before

I have come to realize one of my greatest joys

– Hope for Our Sisters –

Can also be my greatest Achilles heel

My greatest weakness

I often turn from God and turn inward

I try to lead this organization without Him

It never works

I had no idea I had made this choice again

But I knew I was there

Stress, anxiety, fear and hurry reigned in my life

I was not present with my family, friends or God

They may not have seen it, but I knew it

I was miserable and did not see any way out

Eventually, I looked up

God was there

He had a very unconventional idea for me

A unique way for me to climb out of the valley

Would I give it a try?

(More of my journey soon…)

 

© 2018 by Brooke F Sulahian

RELEASING OUR SON March 29, 2017

I feel dry

Weighed down

Overwhelmed, actually

I felt God lead me to write this morning

Writing often open up my way when it feels blocked

I planned to write about something else but

these words

simply

poured

out

of

my

heart

Our precious son is not well

He’s not dying…it’s a chronic condition with treatment

Painful treatment potentially, yes…but treatment

I am sincerely thankful to You for answering our specific prayer for answers

No more “we don’t know what’s wrong with your son”

These answers are a wonderful gift…thank You

Yet, I find myself wondering if there is more to discover

I keep dreaming about surprise findings, unexpected discoveries, lack of control

more to process

more to grieve

more to accept

We learned new information this week

processing

praying

talking it out

What else is happening in his body that I cannot see?

Is this my deep fear?

What else is happening in his body for which I cannot prepare?

Is this what is weighing me down?

My desire (i.e. idol) of having control is being challenged like never before

This is our son

Is this the reason parts of my heart are closed off to everyone, even You?

Is this why parts of my heart are locked?

I did not even realize I held the keys…did I lock my heart?

Why all this weight and dryness?

I feel I am being overly dramatic

I have become adept at rationalizing our situation

Others near and far suffer so much more

Many children right now are fighting for their lives

Too many others have already been lost by their parents and families

So many children are lost inside themselves due to other challenges

We have our son…why not rejoice?

Others lack access to medical care

Others lack benefits to pay for medical care

Others lack in far worse ways

Why can’t I be fully, sincerely and consistently thankful?

Is this even possible?

Is this even real?

God, I have often thanked You for not making us like robots

We must choose to love and follow You

We must choose this daily

Our commitment to You is not automatic

We can turn away

We can question

We can get angry…even yell at You

You can take it

We can feel betrayed

That is a very strong word

Is that what I am feeling?

Do I feel You betrayed me…our son…our family?

I know You could take your pinky finger, touch our son’s body and heal it

Yet, you have not done that

Part of my heart trusts You…part of me is where I need to be

Accepting this…at peace…ready to move forward

But I am not all there

I am not yet united

Parts of me are cut off…locked away

The Bible, Your Word, says we will suffer…

why should all of this surprise me?

In addition, You also remind us that

You have overcome the world

You have…I know this in my head

I just want to feel it in my heart again

My mind trusts in the idea of Your larger plan that I cannot see

However, I am not enjoying this current valley

Not at all

You’ve seen me through my deepest depression and desire to end it all

I know how You walked with me

I know the years in my pit were used by

You to prepare me for all I am and all I am doing today

Your plans are best

Your wisdom perfect

Your love eternal

Why is my heart holding out?

You gave me a gift two weeks ago

(Hard to believe I am currently further along my path…

more work ahead of me but some healing through You has occurred)

You met me in my heartache and called me back

You showed me that this is a small story within the larger narrative of our lives

A narrative of You as Provider, Restorer, Lover

This story may even be more like a small chapter

My heart is no longer totally shattered…progress…thank You!

Our son is not his diagnosis

He is far beyond what is happening within his body

He is a treasure of Yours which You lovingly loaned to us

He is taking all of this new and potentially scary stuff so well

He inspires us each day

He is strong because You give him strength

Why won’t I accept Your offer of strength?

It is right before me along with Your offer of

peace

release

fullness

joy

hope

in You

Why won’t I pick them up?

Why won’t I own what You have prepared for me?

Today I am being very real…very open

You, Lord, don’t want me to be a perfect follower, a perfect believer
You want me to be real

Even when I feel weak

Even when I feel my heart will burst if I truly

“sit” within our situation

I wonder if my heart will be crushed…not by You…by the situation

if I truly release it all to You

You created beautiful and restorative treasures that await me

I only need accept them

You have patience to walk with me along this path at my pace

You knew I would be here feeling dry, weighed down, lacking

You won’t leave me or grow weary of me

My realness is never too much for You

My realness is actually a treasure in Your eyes

You love me as I am and will lovingly guide me to where I need to be

Praying my transparency will bring others comfort, community, hope

There is a way out of this dryness…this lack…this weight

The way out is to leave it all with You

The only One who can handle it all

My head knows this…parts of my heart do too

But my heart won’t let go of our son

Even though I know he is best with You

Not yet…parts of my heart are locked tight right now

Locked with keys that I own

May my transparency help me eventually fully release our son to You

He is Yours anyway

You love him most

© 2017 Brooke F. Sulahian

I Crossed the Line…Segment 4 January 27, 2017

Feeling EXPOSED and VULNERABLE?!?!

This is not what I expected

Had I even signed up for this?

This was not part of the journey I wanted to continue

Where did this come from?

I thought crossing the line was the tough part

I felt my heart resist taking more steps

Could I simply stop?

I really wanted to stop

Could I just sit down and stay right where I was?

I told myself I could…so I did

I felt that I lacked the energy for anything else…this was too hard

Thankfully, He did not let me stay there long

As much as I fought my feelings and fears, He patiently softened my heart

He cut through my feelings and fears to my heart…to my soul…

He showed me what was really inside of me waiting to be released

Beauty

Potential

Creativity

Value

I remember the morning I finally saw His full knowledge of me as a gift

I could honestly say to myself, if He knows me so well and loves me anyway, then He truly loves all of me

It took courage to act on this but I decided

– I CAN TRUST Him

– I CAN WALK with Him

– I CAN GO where He leads me

I stood up…I was ready to move on

However, I could not take a step

We still had heart work to do…

Really?

Moving ahead placed me at a fork in the road…a decision was before me

I had to choose: Be real with God and deal with my “stuff” or not

Being real with God would require me to come clean with myself

Being real might be painful at times

Being real would be the harder of the two roads…the road less traveled

What did I choose?

What would you choose?

(Thank you for walking with me. More to come…)

© 2017 Brooke F. Sulahian