What a journey
I have experienced these
last two years and eight months.
At times, the journey has
moved very slowly.
At others,
it has moved at top speed.
It feels like forever
since I have written any words,
since I have shared with you
what God has been
sharing with me.
This quote spoke to me
a few months back.
It’s from Grief Walk…
“I feel stuck,
caught between two worlds;
what was and what is.”
Being in limbo…
stuck between two worlds…
is usually not conducive to
peace in my heart.
It is an unknowing
of where we are going
and what we and life
will be like.
I found myself
fighting the urge to go back
to what was,
what I knew,
what had been,
simply because I knew.
Stepping into the unknown of today
felt scary and foreign to me,
especially since I
had no idea what my future
life and self would be like.
At times I truly wondered
if I would be able
to leave my bed,
be active,
be able to enjoy life
with my family again.
I desire control, even though
I know I can’t really have it.
I want to grasp my yesterday
and carry it into
my today.
Believe me,
I tried many times.
I learned that
yesterday won’t fit in today.
The size and shape of my day…
my hopes…
my experience…
my being…
and
my life
have changed.
My yesterday is to be left there…
along my path.
This is hard for me to do…
to let go.
However, I must let go
of yesterday,
in order to embrace today
and carry it toward
my tomorrow.
At times I feared
I would return to my bed
for an extended stay.
At times, many times,
I did not trust in the One
who knows me best.
I feared that I would be stuck
where I did not want to be.
I am so very grateful that
God helped me trust in My Creator again.
Elohim helped me let go of yesterday
and step into my today
again, and again, and again.
As a result,
I no longer feel stuck.
I don’t have a view
into the future,
but I’m very excited to share that
over the last couple of months
my body
has become more
dependable.
I am gaining strength
and confidence in
my body and my brain.
I am learning to trust
myself again.
I can work for longer periods of time.
I am trusting my memories and thoughts,
as well as my understanding
of what I read and hear.
I am jogging and walking.
I am climbing higher and higher,
literally, at the rock climbing gym.
I even kayaked today for
two beautiful hours.
My last migraine was in mid-April.
I recently pushed myself physically
for the first time since
November of 2019
and did not spike a migraine
or even a headache.
These are small yet powerful
victories.
I am deeply grateful.
However, even though I am
making desired progress,
I still have much to share
of my learning along the way.
I still want to share
my experience with
grief, mourning, and lament.
I think it’s so important
for us to grieve, mourn, and lament
well.
If anything I have learned
will help you in your grief,
your mourning,
your lament,
then I want to share it.
Will you continue to walk with me
as I share what God has shown me?
I gratefully no longer feel
stuck between two worlds,
but at peace.
Not constant peace,
but moments of peace.
The most peace
I have felt in many years,
as I do my best,
to live in each today.
I believe we are to live between
two worlds…
living between our yesterdays and
our tomorrows,
grasping our todays with both hands
and doing our best to
embrace what each day holds.
Not feeling stuck here,
but feeling alive here.
May we each embrace our todays
with hope, grace, courage,
and a spirit of
gentleness towards ourselves.
Gentleness is not highly valued
in our world, but it is
another cherished gift
from this long and
painful journey.
I am learning to be gentle
with myself.
To listen to my body
and respond in love.
As you walk in your todays,
I invite you to try on gentleness
and see if it fits.
I have a daily opportunity
to live in my “what is”,
doing my best to trust
my “what is” to
the only One who truly knows.
I invite you to join me.
© 2022 Brooke F. Sulahian
Quote from Grief Walk by Gary Roe