Between Two Worlds July 10, 2022

What a journey

I have experienced these

last two years and eight months.

At times, the journey has

moved very slowly.

At others,

it has moved at top speed.

It feels like forever

since I have written any words,

since I have shared with you

what God has been

sharing with me.

This quote spoke to me

a few months back.

It’s from Grief Walk…

“I feel stuck,

caught between two worlds;

what was and what is.”

Being in limbo…

stuck between two worlds…

is usually not conducive to

peace in my heart.

It is an unknowing

of where we are going

and what we and life

will be like.

I found myself

fighting the urge to go back

to what was,

what I knew,

what had been,

simply because I knew.

Stepping into the unknown of today

felt scary and foreign to me,

especially since I

had no idea what my future

life and self would be like.

At times I truly wondered

if I would be able

to leave my bed,

be active,

be able to enjoy life

with my family again.

I desire control, even though

I know I can’t really have it.

I want to grasp my yesterday

and carry it into

my today.

Believe me,

I tried many times.

I learned that

yesterday won’t fit in today.

The size and shape of my day…

my hopes…

my experience…

my being…

and

my life

have changed.

My yesterday is to be left there…

along my path.

This is hard for me to do…

to let go.

However, I must let go

of yesterday,

in order to embrace today

and carry it toward

my tomorrow.

At times I feared

I would return to my bed

for an extended stay.

At times, many times,

I did not trust in the One

who knows me best.

I feared that I would be stuck

where I did not want to be.

I am so very grateful that

God helped me trust in My Creator again.

Elohim helped me let go of yesterday

and step into my today

again, and again, and again.

As a result,

I no longer feel stuck.

I don’t have a view

into the future,

but I’m very excited to share that

over the last couple of months

my body

has become more

dependable.

I am gaining strength

and confidence in

my body and my brain.

I am learning to trust

myself again.

I can work for longer periods of time.

I am trusting my memories and thoughts,

as well as my understanding

of what I read and hear.

I am jogging and walking.

I am climbing higher and higher,

literally, at the rock climbing gym.

I even kayaked today for

two beautiful hours.

My last migraine was in mid-April.

I recently pushed myself physically

for the first time since

November of 2019

and did not spike a migraine

or even a headache.

These are small yet powerful

victories.

I am deeply grateful.

However, even though I am

making desired progress,

I still have much to share

of my learning along the way.

I still want to share

my experience with

grief, mourning, and lament.

I think it’s so important

for us to grieve, mourn, and lament

well.

If anything I have learned

will help you in your grief,

your mourning,

your lament,

then I want to share it.

Will you continue to walk with me

as I share what God has shown me?

I gratefully no longer feel

stuck between two worlds,

but at peace.

Not constant peace,

but moments of peace.

The most peace

I have felt in many years,

as I do my best,

to live in each today.

I believe we are to live between

two worlds…

living between our yesterdays and

our tomorrows,

grasping our todays with both hands

and doing our best to

embrace what each day holds.

Not feeling stuck here,

but feeling alive here.

May we each embrace our todays

with hope, grace, courage,

and a spirit of

gentleness towards ourselves.

Gentleness is not highly valued

in our world, but it is

another cherished gift

from this long and

painful journey.

I am learning to be gentle

with myself.

To listen to my body

and respond in love.

As you walk in your todays,

I invite you to try on gentleness

and see if it fits.

I have a daily opportunity

to live in my “what is”,

doing my best to trust

my “what is” to

the only One who truly knows.

I invite you to join me.

© 2022 Brooke F. Sulahian

Quote from Grief Walk by Gary Roe

Grasping Hope January 20, 2021

GRASPING HOPE

Each day I try to choose hope.

 Some days

 I actually grasp hope

 with both hands

 and hold on tight.

 

This last weekend

 I had my worst migraine attack

 since being diagnosed with

 vestibular migraines,

 PPPD (chronic dizziness), and

 related/unrelated vision issues.

 

 I was in bed all day

 from Friday morning

 until the following Tuesday morning.

 I didn’t fight it.

 I knew that would only make it worse,

 and my time in bed actually 

taught me a lot.

 

 I learned that 

I have become more gentle.

 More gentle with myself.

 More gentle with the expectations I have for each day.

 More gentle when confronted with my limits.

God has been inviting me to be 

gentle with myself 

for the last few years.

Here I am.

 

 I also learned that I am grieving.

 Grieving the body I once had.

 Grieving the body that worked like a clock.

 Grieving the body that would 

workout anytime I wanted to workout

 and rest anytime I wanted to rest. 

 

As I move forward toward healing

 and walk in the pursuit of healing,

 my body may look and operate

more like it once did

 or it won’t.

 I must leave that in God’s hands.

 

 I also learned

 that our compassionate and 

tender-hearted children

 have grown in empathy.

They have learned about 

caring for others

while watching 

my hubby care for me.

 

 Not only did they bring me 

my favorite drink,

 chai tea latte,

 but they added 

cinnamon on the top.

They brought me my favorite 

sweet peanut butter snack,

 added a couple of my “safe”cookies,

 one last chocolate treat,

 and a dairy pill 

just in case anything had dairy.

They remembered

the dairy pill.

 

 It warmed my heart.

 It warmed my soul.

 It made every part of me smile.

 I felt so known.

I felt so loved.

 I give God thanks for

 this beautiful silver lining

 from the chronic health path 

we have all been walking

the last 14 months.

 

Lastly, I learned that I

had chosen hope

each day of that 

long weekend in bed. 

Actually, I was grasping hope

with both hands

 and holding on tight.

 

 Hope. 

Hope is an amazingly powerful word.

 I often say that hope is what 

gets people out of bed every day.

 Hope is what motivates people 

to answer the phone or the door.

 Hope is what gives all of us 

a reason to look into tomorrow

 

Each day I try to choose hope.

 Some days 

I actually grasp hope

 with both hands

 and hold on tight.

© 2021 Brooke F. Sulahian