I find myself looking at a new path.
A new path due to my health.
I do not fear my health challenges to be fatal.
However, I find them very intrusive, frustrating,
And debilitating.
I have never been on a road like this.
A road for which I have no map.
Did I just say that?
Did I just say that I have no map?
I sure did and that speaks to a continued weakness of mine.
Maybe this is my thorn?
The desire to control or at least feel in control.
When my health is good, do I have a map?
No, I don’t…I just feel like I do.
I feel like I have a map because the path seems familiar.
That is the crux of the issue isn’t it?
Where am I placing my trust?
In the familiar or the hand of God?
Constant dizziness, nausea, and lack of ability to focus
(No more reading for fun)
For any extended time along with painful migraines,
If I get overtired,
Wear me down
Drain my energy, and
Attack my hope.
I feel as if I don’t even know this current version of myself.
I asked God to show me what, if anything, I am to learn through this journey.
He showed me three versions of myself.
Each version is in the same general area,
Like a triangle surrounding this new path.
The first me is “Superhero me”.
Standing tall, hands on hips, like a superhero, but without a cape.
Standing upon a tall platform,
Ready to take on the world.
The second me is “Flattened me”.
Flat, actually sunk deep into the ground
Like a cartoon character dropped from a cliff.
The hole in the ground is actually the outline of my body.
I’m not dead, but I am unable to move, cut off from my world.
Ready for nothing.
The third me is “Fractured me”.
All in pieces, scattered on the ground.
No blood or gore, just sections of me scattered in a small area.
Totally disoriented, unable to function,
Waiting to be put back together again.
Waiting? Should I be waiting?
I’ve never been “here” before, so I’m not sure of my next steps.
I am a doer…what am I to do?
For now?
Just breathe…just be…be still.
Now, what else do I see?
I see this path ahead of me again…is this my path?
This path is different than any I have ever seen.
It’s actually floating off the ground, shoulder height.
It’s in the middle of my three selves.
How do I even get on? Stay on?
I know I won’t have any map, but I sure do want one.
I believe God is calling me to climb upon this new path.
To trust Him that I won’t fall.
It reminds me of a quote by Erin Hansen,
“And you ask, “What if I fall?””
(My question, my delay)
“Oh, but my darling, “What if you fly?””
(God’s reply to me)
Flying is the last thing on my mind these days.
I’m not even sure I’ll have the energy
To serve God as He calls,
To love on my family and friends,
Or hold onto a path that floats.
Did I just say hold on?
Am I called to hold on or trust in?
Am I viewing this path from my perspective
Or from the view that God always provides?
I hear God say…
“You don’t have to hold on.”
“You’re not supposed to hold on to the path.”
I don’t have to hold on?
Really?
I feel like holding on is one of my best skills.
Holding on tight to the people and work that I love.
Holding on to protect and provide.
But we are not asked to hold onto anything
Other than God’s hand.
We are asked to let go of all we love.
Let go and trust God fully and completely.
Trust that God knows best.
God does not always answer as we like.
God does not always heal as we pray.
But God does promise His presence…always.
I pray that will be enough for me.
Back to this floating path.
I come alongside it as it floats and moves
Like a long, wide piece of satin blown gently in the wind.
Moving like waves…up and down in a beautiful rhythm.
No chaos…just a beautiful rhythm…calm.
I’m wondering how to climb upon it or
If I even should climb upon it.
Maybe I should start by asking God.
He is the one who created it.
I stand, next to this path.
Am I ready to ask God what I should do next?
Amy I ready to do what He asks me to do?
(More to come…)
© 2019 by Brooke F Sulahian
hopesightings 