When I Cannot Write April 5, 2021

 Writing is one of my favorite things.

…

 I write in my journal,

 I write poetry,

 blogs,

 letters, cards and notes.

I love to write.

…

 I write to

 encourage people,

 thank others for their service,

 remind loved ones they are loved,

process my own thoughts,

 chat with God, and

 catalog my experiences

along my life path.

…

 Other people suffer more

 then me.

 I know this, but I also know

 my suffering is real.

…

 I do not yet know

 if my suffering is 

something I should accept

 as the new me,

 or

 something I should face as temporary

 and work patiently and diligently

 in hope as I seek

 a healthier new me.

I realize

 this answer, this information

 may be revealed to me,

 or it won’t.

 In faith, I trust my Creator

 as I walk a very unclear

 path ahead.

…

 I created this sharing,

 this poem, 

these words

 strung together to form 

sentences, ideas, and thoughts

 using voice type.

…

 During my suffering journey

 I have been so thankful for

 audiobooks, 

since simply reading books

 as a former favorite pastime

 has been taken from me.

 I have also  developed great gratitude

for voice type,

 since simply writing words and watching my

 words fill the page, 

can trigger

 health issues that send me back

 again

to bed.

…

 I voice typed these words

 not to complain,

 not to solicit pity,

 not to stew in negativity,

 but to share,

 to process,

to connect,

  to accept, 

to embrace,

this day

 my current state of

body and mind.

…

I wonder if I’ll ever know

 for certain

 if my current health state

 is my temporary health state

 or 

my new, long term health state.

…

I wonder if one day

 I’ll be able to read books 

for pleasure

 and

 create beauty 

through the physically written word

 without triggering

 negative health consequences.

…

 I believe I was made to write.

 Today I “write” with my voice.

I hope that one day

I can write

as I always have…

hand to pen to paper.

In hope…

© 2021 Brooke F. Sulahian

Pain December 24, 2020

PAIN

 

I awoke at 5:30 am in pain

Due to my pain

My head pain

I reluctantly got up to get some motrin

“My pain will be gone by morning,”

I thought to myself

At 8:30 am I awoke

My head pain was still present and

It began pushing itself into my day

 

Pain can do that

It’s as if pain has tendrils that can reach

Into every aspect of my day

Tainting it

Coloring it in shadows

Making every activity seem as if it’s too much

Too heavy

Draining the energy out of me

Drawing me, calling me, to yet another day

 In bed

 

Acute pain is more easily seen as a gift

It notifies us that there is something,

An injury, 

That requires our attention

When addressed, acute pain usually subsides

 

Chronic pain is different

At least to me

My chronic pain is an enigma

A puzzle to solve

A riddle to untangle

Of course, it’s hard to solve a puzzle when I am in pain

I lack the brain power, will, and interest

To solve this enigma

I seek only relief

 

Relief

This is a powerful word and feeling

A reminder of what was

What could be again

Relief reminds me of my non-chronic days and years

 

At the onset of my pain and all related symptoms

Debilitating symptoms

I seek relief

Like a board floating on the ocean of my life

To which I can cling

The chance to rejoin my family in their “life-boat” 

Rather than skipping, missing

Another family adventure

 

Once relief, to some extent, is found

It can still all be overwhelming

I have some relief for one symptom

The others persist

My return to health to which I clung so tightly

At the beginning

Has plateaued

Will my health, will I, get better?

Will I be able to read books as I once did?

Will I be able to work more than 1.5 hours each day?

Will I be able to make plans and keep them?

Will I be able to live without the looming fear

 That pain is right around the corner?

 

I don’t have answers yet, but I do have

God,

My husband, son, and daughter

Family and friends

Spiritual Director

The ability to

Walk

Eat

Sing

Write

Laugh

Cry

Inspire

And

Be inspired

 

13 months in

I also have a new-found desire

An open space in my heart and mind 

To learn

To discover

To seek knowledge

About my health

My enigma

 

I know not what I will find

I know not what my long term health will be

I know not what today holds

 

But I do know

I am loved by

God

My family

My friends

And this fuels

My day

My moments

And my body

To step

One step at a time

Into

Each

.

New

.

.

Day

.

.

.

In

.

.

.

.

His

.

.

.

.

.

Hope

© 2020 by Brooke F Sulahian

Creativity – I’ve Missed It September 29, 2017

 

This summer was not as we planned

Peter’s heart-breaking anxiety over his injections

Lucy coming down with strep, pneumonia and walking pneumonia at the same time

Me processing my unexpected, physically challenging yet amazing trip to Africa

My own creativity was drowned out…

without my noticing

 

I am reading Loving My Actual Life by Alexandra Kuykendall

Great title…don’t you think?

The idea behind the title caught my eye and heart

Being present in the moment is tough

The urgency can crowd it out

My to do list can be louder than the call to be

present, quiet, rest, and create

I have ideas in my head about all of these topics

Today? Creativity

 

First of all, Peter’s anxiety is gone

He is rocking his shots

He is back to his funny, goofy, active self

Thankful!

Lucy is healthy

She is free to take on the world in her 9-year-old fashion

Wahoo!

I am working on being present

One day I’ll share about my 8 minutes of pure quiet

Sounds nice, doesn’t it?

It is

Pure quiet with God rocks

 

So…creativity

In this book, Alexandra writes the following:

“We were made to create! It is in us, so when we don’t

allow that part of us to flourish, we wither.”

This hit my heart…deep within my heart

My creative self has been withering in my pursuit of goals, deadlines,

smooth mornings before school, being present with my family, etc.

All of these are very important and very good…but…

when we the last time I was creative for creativity’s sake?

Like writing these words right now?

How about you?

 

Peter often gets carried away with his 3-D origami

Lucy is often found with pen and paper in hand

ready to draw or create a story

How did I not see that my creative outlets were clogged?

When was the last time I made time to write?

Writing is one of my favorite gifts from God and yet

it’s been ages since I have carved out time to write

 

I did not enter into these moments on our back deck today

with a goal for this “blog”

Hmmm…if I think about it, what would be the goal?

It’s not to impress

It’s not to convict

Now that I think about it, I’d like to let my creative juices flow,

share my heart and encourage your own creativity

 

What inspires you?

What gifts have you been given in the realm of creativity?

May we all simply enjoy our creative gifts

May we all try not to evaluate our creativity

May we all not expect to live up to a certain standard

We don’t have to be a famous author, painter, inventor or singer to create

May we just set some time aside to

let our creativity flow

We were created in the image of the ultimate Creator

We were made to create

 

As I sit in my backyard next to Tim,

with Peter, Lucy and friends playing wiffle ball,

I think of the women we serve through Hope for Our Sisters

Their sheer joy at creating bags, hats, etc.

This organic growth is such a gift for our sisters

However, it is now requiring planning, structure and organization

May our efforts to support this new program not drown out

the real beauty behind it

The sheer creativity

The discovery of potential

The joy of learning what can be accomplished

 

Have you set time aside to discover your potential?

Have you set time aside to be creative?

In this book the author challenges herself to write for fun (she’s an author)

and to do something creative each day

I have not read the full chapter yet

The idea of daily creativity actually seems too big at this moment

but I want to try it

I’ll give it my best shot

I am sure I will find fun and simple ways to

tap into my creativity

I will do this because I believe those I love, serve, and enjoy will benefit

I also know and believe that I will benefit

Maybe I will benefit most of all

 

We were made to create

How will you create today?

© 2017 by Brooke F Sulahian