I feel dry
I felt God lead me to write this morning
Writing often open up my way when it feels blocked
I planned to write about something else but
Our precious son is not well
He’s not dying…it’s a chronic condition with treatment
Painful treatment potentially, yes…but treatment
I am sincerely thankful to You for answering our specific prayer for answers
No more “we don’t know what’s wrong with your son”
These answers are a wonderful gift…thank You
Yet, I find myself wondering if there is more to discover
I keep dreaming about surprise findings, unexpected discoveries, lack of control
more to process
more to grieve
more to accept
We learned new information this week
talking it out
What else is happening in his body that I cannot see?
Is this my deep fear?
What else is happening in his body for which I cannot prepare?
Is this what is weighing me down?
My desire (i.e. idol) of having control is being challenged like never before
This is our son
Is this the reason parts of my heart are closed off to everyone, even You?
Is this why parts of my heart are locked?
I did not even realize I held the keys…did I lock my heart?
Why all this weight and dryness?
I feel I am being overly dramatic
I have become adept at rationalizing our situation
Others near and far suffer so much more
Many children right now are fighting for their lives
Too many others have already been lost by their parents and families
So many children are lost inside themselves due to other challenges
We have our son…why not rejoice?
Others lack access to medical care
Others lack benefits to pay for medical care
Others lack in far worse ways
Why can’t I be fully, sincerely and consistently thankful?
Is this even possible?
Is this even real?
God, I have often thanked You for not making us like robots
We must choose to love and follow You
We must choose this daily
Our commitment to You is not automatic
We can turn away
We can question
We can get angry…even yell at You
You can take it
We can feel betrayed
That is a very strong word
Is that what I am feeling?
Do I feel You betrayed me…our son…our family?
I know You could take your pinky finger, touch our son’s body and heal it
Yet, you have not done that
Part of my heart trusts You…part of me is where I need to be
Accepting this…at peace…ready to move forward
But I am not all there
I am not yet united
Parts of me are cut off…locked away
The Bible, Your Word, says we will suffer…
why should all of this surprise me?
In addition, You also remind us that
You have overcome the world
You have…I know this in my head
I just want to feel it in my heart again
My mind trusts in the idea of Your larger plan that I cannot see
However, I am not enjoying this current valley
Not at all
You’ve seen me through my deepest depression and desire to end it all
I know how You walked with me
I know the years in my pit were used by
You to prepare me for all I am and all I am doing today
Your plans are best
Your wisdom perfect
Your love eternal
Why is my heart holding out?
You gave me a gift two weeks ago
(Hard to believe I am currently further along my path…
more work ahead of me but some healing through You has occurred)
You met me in my heartache and called me back
You showed me that this is a small story within the larger narrative of our lives
A narrative of You as Provider, Restorer, Lover
This story may even be more like a small chapter
My heart is no longer totally shattered…progress…thank You!
Our son is not his diagnosis
He is far beyond what is happening within his body
He is a treasure of Yours which You lovingly loaned to us
He is taking all of this new and potentially scary stuff so well
He inspires us each day
He is strong because You give him strength
Why won’t I accept Your offer of strength?
It is right before me along with Your offer of
Why won’t I pick them up?
Why won’t I own what You have prepared for me?
Today I am being very real…very open
You, Lord, don’t want me to be a perfect follower, a perfect believer
You want me to be real
Even when I feel weak
Even when I feel my heart will burst if I truly
“sit” within our situation
I wonder if my heart will be crushed…not by You…by the situation
if I truly release it all to You
You created beautiful and restorative treasures that await me
I only need accept them
You have patience to walk with me along this path at my pace
You knew I would be here feeling dry, weighed down, lacking
You won’t leave me or grow weary of me
My realness is never too much for You
My realness is actually a treasure in Your eyes
You love me as I am and will lovingly guide me to where I need to be
Praying my transparency will bring others comfort, community, hope
There is a way out of this dryness…this lack…this weight
The way out is to leave it all with You
The only One who can handle it all
My head knows this…parts of my heart do too
But my heart won’t let go of our son
Even though I know he is best with You
Not yet…parts of my heart are locked tight right now
Locked with keys that I own
May my transparency help me eventually fully release our son to You
He is Yours anyway
You love him most
© 2017 Brooke F. Sulahian